This is a hard post for me to write. I wasn’t even sure if I really wanted to share this, it is very vulnerable. I have thought about it a lot, stared at a screen for a long time. I think of things to write but when I actually sit down to write it the words aren’t there. So bear with me.

Today is a hard day for me. 15 years ago today my dad died very unexpectedly. He was young, only 37. This day is always a hard one for me but this year it feels especially hard. Maybe because I am approaching the same age he was when he died. Maybe because I have two beautiful boys who will never meet their grandpa…he would have been an amazing grandpa.

In the beginning when a loved one passes away it feels like you will never recover. You feel as though the huge hole in your heart will never repair itself, some days even breathing is hard. And the tears, so many tears. But days pass and as they do it gets a bit better. You cry a little bit less, you remember the good times a bit more and you start to think less about the death itself. And life continues, your heart does heal. It is never the same again, but it does heal. You still have bad days but for the most part there are more good days than bad. For the last several years I have been in a pretty good place when I think of my dad. But today I feel sad for a new reason, I feel sad because 15 years have passed. 15 years is a long time. So much has happened in those years. I met the love of my life, I have had great adventures, I married the love of my life, we have 2 beautiful children. So many memories have been made and he has not been here for them. I have a different relationship with my mother now that I am an adult myself. And I feel sad that I will never have the chance to know my dad in that way. Some days I day dream what it might have been like to have a beer with my dad. To go to music festivals together, to just hang out. And it’s sad, and I miss him and I wish he was here.

And so I have been crying. A lot. I want to feel this sadness so that I can release it. I want to feel the sadness but I don’t want it to take over my life. I want to feel grateful for the time I had with my dad. I want to remember all the good times I had with him, the trips we took, the things he taught me.

And I will try to remember that even though my dad hasn’t been with me physically, I know he is always with me in spirit. I carry him with me everywhere I go.  Grayson carries my dads name in his name. Every time I say his full name I think of my dad with a big smile on his face. My boys are too young to understand now, but one day I will share stories with them about how fun and full of life their Grandpa Ranji was. Today I remember my dad, the amazing man he was and I will toast him with a rum and coke in my hand. I love you dad.